Let’s start off outlining a few facts:
Truth 1 - I am not a life coach, nor am I a writer. I work in finance and am a full time practitioner of everything that follows. I live at work with a partner, a 7 year old, a 9 year old, and a cat.
Truth 2 - Work-Life Balance is a horrible term, as it insinuates that all of us should be able to find balance. That’s impossible. The scales of what I decide to do with my time today will never balance, and there should be more than the two scales we all hear about:
The Work Scale - which all of us have for a multitude of reasons. If you are fortunate enough to work for a purpose-built company that sings your heart’s song, then you are already winning. Take a moment and be grateful.
The Life Scale - an interesting term for what you do that is not included as “work.” This needs to be replaced with:
a. The Partnering Scale
b. The Mental, Physical, Emotional, Fitness Scale
c. The Parenting Scale
I. The fun parent scale
II. The educating parent scale
III. The disciplinary parent scale
IV. The please don’t let me f*ck up my kid when they’re older scale
d. The Other (non-dependent) Members of my Isolated Family Scale
e. The Philanthropic Scale
f. The Friendship Scale
g. The Personal Growth Scale
Balance suggests that there are equal amounts of time in each area of our life, which is not realistic. Harmony is finding ways to create cooperation between the things you love to do and the things you need to do.
I think it is pretty easy to see why trying to find balance is an impossible feat - let’s wad this “Work-Life Balance” term up, throw it on the floor, and get a few squat thrusts in by stomping on it….7 calories burned...namaste.
Another obvious but not so discussed truth is that none of us, no matter how much we like each other, are supposed to spend this much time with anyone else. A few weeks into the COVID-19 pandemic and even the healthiest of relationships were stressed. Add dependents such as children, aging parents, or siblings and these relationships hit redlines. Even the games you play at the holidays to keep you sane with the in-laws….(How many times did in-law tell the same story, How many angel trinkets are in the living room?, Is in-law drunk at 6:00 dinner again?) are no match for the 24/7 consistency of the same people in a tiny space leaving their dishes in the sink for the 3rd day in a row. Work-life balance when you are working, living, schooling children, socially distancing, etc. from the confines of your home is all the more intense.
Which leads me to the dishes - how is it possible that we could create this many dirty dishes? If you aren’t a baby boomer or older, then you have already come to terms with not being morally able to use disposable/single-use anything. We used cloth diapers, reusable kid cups, linen napkins, so now we are seeing the impact this had on the stay at home boomer culture that created the disposable world we lived in for so long as the coping mechanism. If you held your moral ground and continued to do dishes three times a day - pat yourself on the back. The world will live and tolerate humans longer because you did your part. If you cheated, make a carbon offsetting donation to the nonprofit of your choice and move on. There is no time for guilt in the live-at-work pandemic of the early 2020’s.
If you have children bringing all facets of life under your roof has been an escalating challenge that we will reap the benefits of someday. As someone who traveled three weeks out of the month, even in January and February of 2020, the first few weeks home were a gift, and if I put on my silver lining lenses, the whole year has been magical for our family (less the adult sanity required to maintain peace and patience at pre-pandemic levels)
Many prestigious organizations have written an uncountable amount of articles about how the work-from-home side effects of the pandemic are impacting working women in ways that it is not impacting working men. We must seize control.
A well respected colleague coined the phrase “default parent”, as a way to help her explain what she was going through with her male boss. The “default parent” is the parent the kids will find, no matter what other responsible, trusting and capable adults are in the room. For example, my partner is standing in the kitchen, next to the pantry, responding to work messages on a phone. Our seven year old walks past the parent in the kitchen, finds me in my office on a call, taps the desk and waits patiently for a moment to interrupt, and asks if I can help get a snack out of the pantry. Let the record reflect that the pantry is less than two feet from the parent standing in the kitchen.
Many of you are shaking your heads, some of you are dumbfounded. But this is real life for SO MANY OF US. My partner is MORE THAN willing to help, but how do I retrain 7 - 9 years of finding me to solve all the problems? We must seize control.
Here are a few tips as we continue the work-from-home pandemic of 2020 into 2021:
Find Silver Linings
I spent thousands less on birthdays and anniversaries in 2020. This would only be hundreds if it were children related, but we had a major 40th birthday in our family for which we budgeted a magical adult only vacation, and although we still celebrated with a fun local getaway, the bank shows a positive difference in the vacation account. Win! Let’s all start planning those major getaways we’ve been putting off.
My 7-year-old now writes me lunch notes for my lunch box, which is something I have been doing for both my kids since they started toting them to school. This one is taped to the inside of my daily planner and nothing warms the heart more when I’m about to totally breakdown than looking at this.
Learn to Delegate
Alright boss ladies….you do it on your work teams, now do it at the office that we also call home!
Example A: When the partner is sitting on the couch watching football, or playing chess on the best chess app ever, use those MBA skills while keeping the peace. Anyone can fold laundry while watching the black box. The new spot for all clean laundry yet to be folded is right next to the couch. It will provide this team member a feeling of accomplishment while they mentally zone out.
Example B: Would you be willing to be in charge of bathing the kids or making dinner? Would you be willing to read to 7-year-old or 9-year-old tonight? Would you be willing to clean the kitchen or the living room? There is not an option for none, but there is an option to get one of those two things off your plate.
Learn to Show Recognition
This is different from gratitude. Gratitude is something you feel. It is the mantra for being present and grateful for the daily pleasures you find in your life. Gratitude is not something expressed. It is a personal deep feeling within.
Recognition is exactly how it sounds. Take the action of recognizing and rewarding positive behavior. If a partner does the laundry while watching the new Netflix special, take a moment to tell that individual how it makes you feel. It’s more than a thank you, it is a moment of positive energy passed from you to them.
As a side note - when gratitude is expected or demanded from one individual to another, it is a sign of dominance. If you help someone, and they don’t say thank you or show gratitude, move on. Do not let it be a reason you don’t help someone else in a similar situation in the future. Nothing sounds more pretentious than, “well I would help her/him//they but last time she/he/they didn’t show enough gratitude.” Don’t help people because of the way it makes you feel. Help them because they need help. If she/he/they does say thank you, instead of saying no problem or you’re welcome, sit down and have a conversation. It’s lonely out there. If you do it to feel better about yourself, remember you had enough extra resources to help someone without. There is no need to expect that person to lift you up because you were thoughtful. We all need to pitch in to help each other more, without expecting or being disappointed that we didn’t get a thank you.
Block off Personal Time
Find time for yourself!
If nothing else in this post resonates, please please let this be the segment that connects. As stated in an earlier section, we are spending way too much time with others and not enough time by ourselves, with our own thoughts. Even if we are home alone, all day, we are taking calls, zoom/webex/meet/teams, checking social media. This is not personal time.
Personal time is time where you can hear yourself think. It can be done while exercising, but not if you are connected to something digitally - being reminded that it's time to start circuit two is not personal time, you are sharing that time with a digital trainer.
Find a Friend
Even if you are living at work with a whole bunch of distractions in the form of a family, you need someone outside that will let you vent and help provide a sanity check. You may be surprised where you find the most comfort.
Balance is hard. Planning is possible, and being flexible when things derail is also possible.
Practice patience for yourself. No one is harder on you than you are, but if you look around and make the commitment to Keep Showing Up, you will crush the professional goals while keeping your personal life, once you get that back from not living at work ;)
By Kimberly Venable | Head of Business Development - Americas, Clarity AI